Investment Tips: How to beat the market!

It has been a bumpy few weeks for the stock market. I have been watching CNBC and clicking on the Stocks icon pretty regularly and thus have become an expert. It is clear that volatility has returned to the market, the VIX index is not tracking with the general market, and there is uncertainty regarding inflation in light of the last jobs report on wage growth and the need for increased borrowing by the government to fund the tax plan and the deal that the Dems and GOP are likely to make regarding the budget.


If you are looking for a safe haven, I suggest a very heavy buy, in fact, a double buy recommendation in Don's Basement. It has a clean balance sheet with no obligations, steady management and brand recognition in a desirable demographic.

Don's Basement logo

Let's address the elephant in the room.

And is pink and wears glasses.

That elephant is saying, "there is no revenue from Don's Basement," and thus how will I get a return on my investment.

Well, just take a look at this, Loxodonta !

Here is a chart showing the world wide reach of Don's Basement.

Here is their 2018 business plan.

It is a no brainer. Like buying pets.com in 1999.

Next question? How can I invest in Don's Basement as it is not a publicly traded company?

Good question. You are the type of savvy investor DB wants to partner with.

Currently, the best way to do this is to stuff large amounts of US paper currency (50s and 100s only) into a paper bag. We prefer paper bags as we are a green business. Let us know how much is in the bag and we will pick it up AT NO CHARGE.*

Quit worrying about what the Wall Street sharpies and hucksters are doing with your money. Invest today and sleep it off tomorrow.

*Do NOT consult any financial analysts. Or even tell anyone that you are doing this. This is your chance to beat the system. Free pick up is limited to Chicago area. If you live outside of the area, simply give us your bank information and passwords and we will handle all the paperwork.