Here is what I scribbled last night.
I am a civilian in a multi-front war. There is an invisible enemy that may be deadly or may be not. There is uncertainty.
- Health (any cough can raise the hair on my neck)
- Fiscal (outliving my money may not be a problem)
- Societal Collapse (haven't really worried about that one too much in the past. This one is new.)
- The fate of family and friends (a familiar concern; some experience here )
I would not be wrong to feel overwhelmed. However, being overwhelmed will not put me at my best to resist these multi-prong threats.
Bravery will allow me to face the fears. The immediate ones like getting food and having some liquidity can be dealt with, although not nearly as easily as 2 weeks ago. The speed of this societal and personal change is wishlash-like The what-ifs are fears that I can't do too much about.
As I am prone to self-criticism, I have faulted myself for not being properly prepared for the pandemic. Not having enough cash-laughing off the preppers- not following events closely enough. The virus was on my radar since late in January. Then I have to ask myself...is that criticism helping anyone?
Can I stop that inner voice? Not likely. I never stopped in the past. I can from time to time recognize it and try to stop it. Write down a plan. Yes, the plan will change. Here, the war metaphor works well. 'No plan survives first contact with the enemy.'
A therapist who treated me, compares the human brain to a computer. Our mind wanders to various web sites. Panic, fear, self-loathing, anger have been heavily visited lately. But so has music, family, friends, a biography of George Washington (who had tons of self-doubt and an empire to fight), comedy albums, and reading every page of the New York Time Book Review. Even a little dose of religion.
From the sacred to the profane...
Here is part of Al Pacino's monolog in Glengarry Glen Ross. Unfortunately, I can't find a clip of Pacino delivering the lines. It is the scene where Pacino as Roma is getting Lingk (Jonathan Pryce) drunk and trying to sell him some land in Florida.
I find it instructive as a way to stay mentally strong.
(Trigger warnings galore....it's David Mamet).
And what is it that we're afraid of?
Loss. What else?
(pause)
The bank closes. We get sick, my
wife died on a plane, the stock
market collapsed...the house burnt
down...what of these happen...?
None on 'em. We worry anyway.
What does this mean? I'm not
secure. How can I be secure?
(pause)
Through amassing wealth beyond all
measure? No. And what's beyond
all measure? That's a sickness.
That's a trap. There is no measure.
Only greed. How can we act?
The right way, we would say, to
deal with this: "There is a one-in-
a-million chance that so and so
will happen...Fuck it, it won't
happen to me..." No. We know
that's not the right way I think.
(pause)
We say the correct way to deal with
this is "There is a one-in-so-and-
so chance this will happen...God
protect me. I am powerless, let it
not happen to me..." But no to that.
I say. There's something else.
What is it? "If it happens, AS IT
MAY for that is not within our
powers, I will deal with it, just
as I do today with what draws my
concern today." I say this is how
we must act. I do those things
which seem correct to me today. I
trust myself. And if security
concerns me, I do that which today
I think will make me secure. And
every day I do that, when that day
arrives that I need a reserve, [a]
odds are that I have it, and [b]
the true reserve that I have is the
strength that I have of acting each
day without fear.
(pause)
According to the dictates of my
mind.
Now I envy the young and clueless. Older woman said on Facebook she asked her millennial student how she was dealing with coronavirus scare. Student: “What’s that?” Wouldn’t it be great to be able to be that unaware just for half an hour?
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